my last lullaby [o p e n]

[moondog__[இ]]

damon

What if this is a lullaby?
Would you fall to sleep tonight?
Would you dream of me?
Oh, oh, would you dream?

It was hot.
And that damn crow wouldn't go away.

Well, it technically wasn't really. It was actually a figment of my imagination, a piece of my Schizoaffective disorder. Only I could see it, only I could hear it's heckling jabs...I always could. Only me. Me me me. That was all that mattered, right? Me? Because everyone else had hurt me. Everyone else had left me, betrayed me, hurt me, killed me inside...everyone else caused me to become what I was. Merciless, soulless, desperate...I was the lowest creature, the most horrid animal...I was rejected, chewed up and spit out, and then laughed at for my stupidity, my trust...

The crow, circling above me, let out a mirthful cackle. It enjoyed my pain and my dismay. It was a part of my mind that absolutely loved depression. A sick, masochistic part... I sighed to myself, listened to the thump my paws made against the hot sand. It was so hot...but there was only an hour or so left until sun down, and then it would get incredibly cold. I was beginning to get thirsty, not to mention tired.

It was just sand, sand, sand.

Wake me up, wake me up.
I wave to God.
My last lullaby.
Can't break me up, I dont want to be alone.
Last lullaby...

Tongue lolled out of my mouth, chest moving rapidly as I panted. One foot in front of the other, now, Damon...that's it, keep walking. Don't stop, never stop, never surrender...Never surrender like Kimosabi surrendered to death...never surrender like you had been surrendered by Romilda so she could be with your brother, Gabriel...never. Never, never, NEVER!

The crow cawed and soared down, landing in front of me. It's just my imagination...just a flicker of imagination...but I couldn't stop myself from halting, couldn't stop my hackles, couldn't help but snarl angrily at the hallucination. I lunged for it and it suddenly disappeared, but I knew it would be back. I knew.

Because the past always came back to haunt you.

Wake me, I bowed to God.
My last lullaby, my last lullaby.
Wake me up, I bowed God.
My last lullaby, my last lullaby

[/size]

The actor;; Damon
The audience;; Anyone
The script;; four.fourteen
The Inspiration;; Nearest The Positive- My Last Lullaby

[Tsuyaa-kunn !]

R E N J I

[/color] [/center]

The lights from the water
That swept me away
So say you're goodbyes, now
This we'll say....

Anger. Fighting. Hatred. All these emotions and insticts are represented by one color. Red. Thats what I am. Red. An angry red, a rich cinnamon red. Angry. Fighting. Death. No, death is black. But I am black, too. These tattoos, these brands, that are burned into my skin in untelligable patterns, they brand me as death. I have seen death, I have seen it and commited it. And the one thing that makes me hate myself, that makes me want to run off a cliff and not look back, the one thing that makes me regret that last bite to the jugular or the bursting of the heart is because I did it as a tool of a human.

Humans ruined me, they ruined my life. They branded me with these tattoos, they marked me as a fighter. But I am also thankful I learned all these things, for if I hadn't, if I just went along with what happened, I would be dead now. I would be a body in an unmarked grave.

For all these reasons, I tried not to be so negative. Stuck in my migratory ways, things grow... old after a while. But the one sound that doesn't is the sound of snarling. It is the noise of a fight. I looked up, my lolling tongue disappearing into my face of seriousness. Serious.

I saw him lunging at open air. I couldn't help but process this in my slow mind. What the hell... thats kind of wierd. I thought to myself. Tch. Kind of? Extremely. As I geared myself up, to talk, to head... towards him, but not over to him, I wondered if he was rabid.

But I wasn't going to ask if he was OK. 'Cuz thats the most stupid question in the history of questions. Its kinda like goin' over to a friend with an arrow in their back and asking 'Hey, Kemosabe, you OK, kid?'

Tch, really.

Madarame, this guy has nothing on you.

Broken from the shattered hopes
And
Breathless from the stairs.
Standing in this lonely room,
Though I can see you there.

[/size]

W O R D C O U N T: Four Hundred and Fourty Four.
M U S E: Eh. First post.
S O N G: Fearless by Falling Up
C H A R A C T E R: Renji-kunn

[moondog__[இ]]

damon

Come inside now I implore
Do you think you can restore,
The crucial pieces missing from my brain?
What seems to be the matter dear,
Why do you cry and shake with fear?
I’ve only had the best of me insane!

Thump, thump, thump

Paws. Paws on sand. I knew that sound. But it wasn't my paws. Of course it wasn't mine, I was standing still! I whirled, mind suddenly working in overdrive, muscled tensed, defensive. My nearly-red eyes searched wildly for the source of the noise, and they certainly found it, there was no doubt about that.

It was another canine, a breed I did not know, nor did I care to know. He looked...tough. Something about him told me to back off, to hold back the surprised snarl building in my throat. Because picking a fight with this brute, this muscular fight-type, didn't seem smart. It was just common sense to pick on people your own size. And I, being a mix between a Chow and Aussie, was a few inches shorter than he. But since when was I, Damon, ever afraid of anyone? I wasn't. So why would I retrain from showing my dislike and anti-socialism?

I wouldn't.

Please let me out!
Please let me out!
Please let me!

I allowed the low snarl, surprised and slightly defensive, to slip from my maw. Hackles raised slightly, ears plastered against skull. I hoped my snarl had made it clear that I was simply shocked and not looking for a fight. But if he wanted to dance, we could dance. Simple as that. I would never surrender, right? A sudden caw made my gaze snap away from the newcomer and to my left where- sure enough -my little mental pet was perched on the sand. It gave another mocking caw and unfurled it's wings, beginning to do a funny little dance that was obviously meant to enrage me. It's claws did not leave patterns in the sand. Of course not. The damned bird wasn't real. It was a part of me. Gaze suddenly wandering back to the dog, I realized he was a bit closer, and I danced a few steps backwards. I was not social at all, no, no, no.

I could tell by the look on his face that he was confused, and I realized he must have seen me baying at the accursed bird earlier. Suddenly feeling awkward and defensive, I held my head up stubbornly and looked at him. "There was a scorpion. I'm not crazy." I said in my cold and insensitive voice.

A complete LIE. I was insane. I was mental, unhinged, dangerous.

I was...

...lethal.

Branded like an animal!
I can still feel the burn in my mind!
I do believe that you’ve made your message clear!
I think I'm losing my mind, I think I'm losing my mind!
Deprivating, isolating, all that I feel,
Leaving me with images I know are not real,
Are those words of condemnation that I hear!
I think I'm my mind, I think I'm losing my

[/size]

The actor;; Damon
The script;; three/ninety/three
The Inspiration;; Perfect Insanity- Disturbed

[Tsuyaa-kunn !]

R E N J I

[/color] [/center]

Tell me who you are
I am spellbound
You cannot have this control on me

I felt the muscles ripple underneath my scarred and tattoo'd skin. I turned my head on an angle, looking down at the dog. He was part chow, this I knew- they always had this air about them, this air of mistrust- this air of 'Don't turn your back.' But it wasn't a defecting kinda air, just a... 'You don't know me' air. It wasn't an Aizen or Ichimaru, but... it was like Byakuya or Kenpachi- but now I'm dragging on with names you have no idea their meaning. You might say that I get drunk on my memories. What can I say? They're intoxicating.

I am a Rhodesian Ridgeback, one of a line of great lion hunting dogs- canines that bring the lives of great, strong cats to an end. I saw him look away for a while. What, am I that ugly? I thought in my head. Then he turned back to me and danced a bit backward. I kinda made me wanna come closer to him- kinda like I wanna come closer to some freaking acid that burns the flesh from your bones.

I met his stubborn gaze. I gave him one of my own, as I sat on the ground with a smug look on my face. There was a scorpion. I am not crazy.

Don't get your panties in a bunch. I barked back at him. I loved that line. I never said you were. Do you think you are? But I already knew the answer. If he said 'Yes' then he was certainly not crazy. If he said 'No' then he was freaking insane. If he said 'No. I KNOW I am.' Then he was bordering on sane.

The thin, ever wavering border. Kinda like where I am now.

Everywhere I go I am spellbound
Everywhere I go I am spellbound
Everywhere I go I am spellbound
I will break the spell you put on me

[/size]

W O R D C O U N T: Four Hundred and Twenty.
M U S E: Slowly diminishing
S O N G: Spellbound by Lacuna Coil
C H A R A C T E R: Renji-kunn

[moondog__[இ]]

damon

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more

"Don't get your panties in a bunch. I never said you were. Do you think you are?"

What a question, what a question. Did I think I was crazy? I stared at him in consideration, obviously pondering what he had asked. Crazy. How did I define crazy? How did I think insanity worked? Twirling itself into your mind, coursing thickly through your veins, obscuring your thoughts and visions. Was that how I was? The moment I thought this, the unsaintly grow took flight and flew over to me, landing on my back. It took so much of my will and control not to shake, buck, and snap.

And there, by just that bird landing on me, that figment of my imagination that felt so real...I knew. I knew exactly what my answer was, what the truth was...I popped into my poisoned brain, seeped out of my maw as I opened it to speak to the male.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

"I do not think I'm crazy..."

"...I know I am."

The crow gave a cry of delight and took flight, beginning to circle above me. I nodded my head once as I looked at him, a sadistic smile touching my maw.

"My name is Damon, by the way."

'Getting friendly?' The crow jaunted, and I once more resisted an urge, an urge to look up at him and snarl. But no, I absolutely was not getting friendly. I was simply introducing myself, that was all...Nothing more, nothing less.

Because I didn't get friendly. I didn't have friends. I didn't have anything. Just me.

Me, me, me.

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

[/size]

The actor;; Damon
The script;; four/two\four
The Inspiration;; The Raven- Edgar Allen Poe

[Tsuyaa-kunn !]

R E N J I

[/color] [/center]

So it seems that there are conditions for flight:

not only do you need wings and training,
patience for many belly flops,
plus a liking for flapping,
a tolerance for the toing and froing,
of intentional indifference and brazen lust,
never mind a taste for the new, the strange,
a thirst for adventure,
let alone danger...

Many would say that its a simple question. If you can put one foot in front of the other, you're not crazy. If you can kill without remorse, you're not crazy- just power driven. Kinda like Kenpachi- but thats a differant story. There go those goddamn memories again. Why do they follow me wherever I go? I can purge myself of sickness and pain and exhasution and hunger, but not those black cobweb-like damnations called memories that hang in the back of your conciousness and that you can string through like a guitar, each playing their own note.

But also you need a fortitude
beyond the pull of gravity,
not to mention the depredations of insecurity,
for those future soarings in another sky
have no safety nets or guarantees,
just the wind.....

Back to my original tangent- it is not a simple question. Each creature has their own definition of crazy. If you are a bird that cannot fly with wet wings, your comrades and maybe, yourself, would say that it is crazy to go swimming. If you are a beast of prey, one of your kind would say it is crazy to dance outside the lions den. But what if it is just all in the mind? Each creature has their own mind- not shared. One cannot just look inside anothers mind, for it is an individual being. What if the crazy is in the mind and not in the physical being? What if only you can see it? Are you still crazy?

Or is it just your mind that is crazy? But, if your mind is crazy, are you crazy?

I do not think I am crazy... I know I am.

There... that key phrase, that slight murmur. I smiled at him, seeing the funny look on his face. Well, then, you and I share that together. I said, looking at his antisocial ways.

My name is Damon, by the way.

I looked at the sky for a moment, just fleeting enough. By what way? The right way, the wrong way, the left way, the back way? What way do I go that I need your name?

The way of friend or foe. When you give a name to someone else, it doesn't just disappear- you either are going to be friends- either good buddies or just aquantences- or enemies- either hate your guts or prefer to not be next to you. But still, I answered with my own title.

My name is Renji.

I turned my head to look at him fully, for with my looking at the sky the sun bleached my view. One of the tattoos that branded me branced just above my eyes, stopped before the center of my forehead, to be mimicked on the other side by the same one.

Made capricious by some desert planet upheaval,
some Pleiadian eruption,
singing through your pinions
with awesome power.

[/size]

W O R D C O U N T: Six Hundred Twenty Seven
M U S E: Eh, it comes and goes.
S O N G: Flying Fish by Gerard Guilarn.
C H A R A C T E R: Renji-kunn [/center]

[moondog__[இ]]

damon

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Insanity.

That we shared? Ah. That was interesting. We both knew we were insane. I could only wonder what his reason for his insanity was. I knew mine perfectly well. My mother dying while giving birth to Gabriel, who I blamed...my father loving Gabriel more than me...and Romilda, the love of my life, leaving to be with Gabriel. My dear brother had driven me to where I was, had made me this disgusting monster. How had my little brother managed to ruin my whole life? How? I just didn't understand why life hated me so much. I had never done anything. But I supposed I had been cursed at birth. It was the only explanation that made any sense.

"It's not that I dislike you, Damon, m' boy. It's just that I prefer Gabriel." My father, answering my accusations of his hatred to me. "Maybe it is my fault mom died, but you can't blame me forever Damon." "Watch me." A heated conversation between Gabriel and I..."Oh, Damon. I'm sorry but it's just that...I love him more." Romilda speaking to me, not caring as I watched with horrified and pained eyes when she looked at Gabriel so lovingly...And then came the strongest of all...Me turning away from the happy couple, sprinting for the outskirts of the city, ready to escape...and then a crow, the largest I had ever seen, swooped down and landed before me. I skidded to a halt and began barking at it, but it wouldn't move. The look on the humans face as she questioned what 'that demented dog was barking at; there was simply nothing there!'

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

My name is Renji.

I nodded to him, struggling to ignore the crow above me still as I tried to think of something to say. I was so damn antisocial that conversation was incredibly difficult. "What breed are you?" I asked quietly after a moment, looking at him questioningly as my eyes roamed over his frame. And then I noticed the tattoos. "And how did you get those?" I suddenly realized how abrupt I was, and assumed I sounded rude. "Sorry." I murmured, shaking my head once. "I'm really not used to being around others dogs so...if I sound rude...then yeah."

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

[/size]

The actor;; Damon
The script;; five/eighty\eight
The Inspiration;; Dreaming With A Broken Heart- John Mayer

[Tsuyaa-kunn !]

Days filled with sunlight are dark
Nights, clouded, bright
Senses alert during the night
Dulled by the brightness of sunlight

[/size]

R E N J I
My life had been simple-kinda. I was born, my mom stayed with us till we were weaned, then BOOM! She disappeared. Just poof, gone. My sisters, too, disappeared into a fog that was my first few years. Then, one stormy night, I was wandering a lonely road when the sound of squealing tires made me look up. Theres one, Doris. Stops us from having to go all the way into goddamn town. Hand grabbed me and threw me in the back of this weird smelling car- it smelled like lilacs and leather. Oh, Hank, its so… ugly!

So dense we are not to see
The duality of it all here.
We should cherish how to be
And embrace with our hearts
That which is truly dear.

EXCUSE ME? I barked, but then there was a loud booming voice and Hank hit me. Shuddap, you lousy mongrel! he screamed at me. I huddled down into the bad smelling rubber mat beneath my feet. We pulled into a driveway and they handed me to their little son. Paul, this is your new dog.
Three days later, Paul took me to the meeting of his gang. People dressed in baggy shorts and funky hats gathered around me in the middle of a bad smelling alley way/ Here, this dude can guard our drugs, man. said a voice. Yeh, we gotta brand the sucka’ tho, dude.

Brand? I had asked. Then came the searing pain, the horrible blackness and the long cattle sticks that charred my skin horrible. You couldn’t tell what I was when I was done. A few years passed, and then a rival gang stole me from the drug house and put me in the fighting ring.
I never lost.

What breed are you? And how did you get those? He asked me. I laughed. I got this question a lot, actually. I’m a Rhodesian Ridgeback. I replied. And these are gang marks- they branded me in the dog-fighting ring, the mark of a Blood Champion.

Sorry.. I'm really not used to being around others dogs so...if I sound rude...then yeah.”

I laughed again. That’s OK, kid. I get it a lot. And you can tell me what your fighting the urge to snap at. I knew he would try and defend himself so I cut him to the chase. Don’t tell me I’m hallucinating. You’re holding something back.

And how did I know, you ask? Oh, I’ve seen dogs that hallucinate, in the fighting ring- the spazzy opponents were the worst, cuz you could never tell what they were gonna do.

Some say, "Oh, that's too strange!"
When, really, they should rearrange
Their values, ears, and eyes
to become one who is wise.
This, is the illusion of it all!

[/size] [/font]

W O R D C O U N T ;; Five Hundred Eighty Nine
M U S E ;; ehhhh
S O N G ;; The Illusion of it All! By Unknown
C H A R A C T E R ;; renji-kunn

[moondog__[இ]]

damon

You’re too important for anyone
You play the role of all you long to be
But I, I know who you really are
You’re the one who cries when you’re alone
But where will you go?
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
You can’t escape

I’m a Rhodesian Ridgeback. And these are gang marks- they branded me in the dog-fighting ring, the mark of a Blood Champion.

A Rhodesian Ridgeback? I had never heard of those. Then again, I kept to myself so much, how could I have? But dog-fighting...that, I had heard of. Once a human passing by had commented on my resemblance to a Chow. 'They have bad tempers, I here. They'd make good fighting dogs.' I had snarled at him, and he had laughed and nodded to his friend, repeating his "fact" about our tempers. I had hurried off before I had decided to do more than snarl.

"I knew you looked tough." I commented without thinking, and the crow gave a shriek of amusement. I once more restrained a snarl, but this time my lip did pull back a bit. I hurriedly lowered it, though, and looked at Renji apologetically. "Sorry. I wasn't snarling at you." I muttered quietly.

You think that I can’t see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You’re left to face yourself alone
But where will you go?
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth
I realize you’re afraid
But you can’t abandon everyone
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

That’s OK, kid. I get it a lot. And you can tell me what your fighting the urge to snap at. Don’t tell me I’m hallucinating. You’re holding something back.

I blinked, stunned. Oh, he was an intelligent one. There was no use trying to hide anything. I sighed, looking at him with slightly narrowed eyes. "I told you I was crazy." I forewarned, before beginning to explain. "I'll have to explain the whole story for you to really get it. When I was born, only myself and my brother Gabriel survived. The rest were stillborn, and in the act of birthing Gabriel, my mother died. I always blamed him for it. Perhaps I was wrong. I'm not sure.

"My father always, always, preferred Gabriel over me. And it annoyed me to no ends. Eventually, an older dog found me and took me in. He raised my like his own, and he was something of a father to me. But he was old, as said...he died. And I was alone. Until I found Romilda."

I sighed at the memory and shook my head back and forth. "Oh, she was beautiful. A Samoyed. And so sweet, so innocent. Amazing. I loved her, I truly did. But one day she came to be and told me she had found another and that she was considering who she would come to be with. In the end, it was the other. It was Gabriel."

I stopped, heart pounding, breathing quickened as I snarled slightly at the memory. "It drove me crazy. And I developed a disorder. Schizoaffective disorder. I suffer from mood swings, and hallucinations. They used to be bad. They used to be of my parents, the old dog, Romilda, Gabriel...but those have faded. And now it's a damn crow. And right now it's flying about me, laughing at me, heckling me. It won't stop."

I looked up as I spoke, eying the crow with growing hatred. "I hate you." I barked at it, and it repeated the fraze to me. I then looked back at Renji and sighed.

"See? Insane."

I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can’t live your whole life all alone?
I can hear you when you whisper
But you can’t even hear me screaming
Where will you go?
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth

[/size]

The actor;; Damon
The script;; seven/fifty\three
The Inspiration;; Where Will You Go- Evanescence

[Tsuyaa-kunn !]

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

[/size]

R E N J I

[/font]
I started to edge closer to him. Poor kid, must’ve been driven to the edge. I didn’t fancy getting too friendly, but maybe a buddy, someone to turn too? Eh, who the heck am I kiddin’, I have no friends or family left. I followed my fighting till the end, and this is where I am now.
I knew you looked tough I heard him say. I laughed slightly Thanks for the compliment, kid. I don’t get those much. Mostly, they classify me as a monster… I watched him go through all these motions, and chuckled slightly when he said Sorry. I wasn't snarling at you. And I nodded. It wasn’t a pitiful nod. I wasn’t going to pity him. No dog deserves to be pitied- no dog wants to be pitied. [/center]

He turns the seasons around
And so she changes her gown
But they always look in their prime
They go on dancing their dance
Of everlasting romance
Mother Earth and Father Time

I told you I was crazy. I nodded, and crept ever closer. I listened to him describe this story of sadness and wronged love and misplaced loyalty and the end result being the resurrection of the hallucinations. His parents, Romilda, Gabriel, and then the damned crow. I glanced upwards for a moment. Then I looked back to him. That’s a nice sob story, kid. But they’re just hallucinations. They aren’t there. Why should this bother you? Just because you see them? Why not treat it as a normal everyday crow? Or maybe, just not see it at all. With this, I sat down only a few feet away from him.

The summer larks return to sing
Oh, what a gift they give
Then autumn days grow short and cold
Oh, what a joy to live

I really hoped that the words had gotten to the kid. I remember, in my days as a fighter, as a killer, there were some dogs with trauma- or just that had killed to much- and it finally got to them. They saw the same hallucinations, except there was blood and death and horrible memories… but they got over it because they finally realized it wasn’t there. I’ve been around a bit for my young life, Damon- and I’ve seen weaker dogs than you overcome this. Now, every now and then you’re gonna have your bad days when the crows just gonna fucking rip your head open and peck at your brains, but you can’t just live so miserably like this. I looked him in his eyes. That crow is always gonna be there, but you cannot allow it to live your life for you.
I hope he realized that I had no extremely personal experience with this, but coming from my better judgement, I hope I was helping. This information was not supposed to cure him, just help him get out of his little Hell hole.

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

[/size]

W O R D C O U N T ;; Six Hundred Sixty Nine
M U S E ;; Spirit, I hope you don’t see it as I’m trying to cure him
S O N G ;; Mother Earth and Father Time by Charlottes Web
C H A R A C T E R ;; Renji Kun