;;living through my hell// [open]

[Ємßєг§]

I don't need a friend,
I need to mend so far away
So come sit by the fire, and play a while,
But you can't stay too long

Fog. It's dense. So dense, that it makes the air too hard to breathe. Like you're trapped underwater for so long, and you're ready to burst to the surface, expecting to inhale the crisp cool air you've been longing for, and find you've been sinking lower and lower into the sea. And even when your lungs give out, and you finally get to inhale, it doesn't do you much good. But perhaps fog isn't as severe as that. How would I know? I don't even go near the water...

The thick night breeze blew from the north, blowing directly into my face, blinding my pathway as I closed my eyes in sheer pain. I could not see, and I did not like that. Staggering pitifully forward, feeling for the jagged roots that jut across my path, I pressed myself against a serpent-like tree, its trunk obviously contorted as I felt around the base, hoping to find a crevice to shield me from the chill of the night.

My paw soon stepped into a small ditch around the other side of the willow tree, I believed it was. Unaware of this at first, I moved forward briskly, only to find myself tripping and landing hard against my ribs. Dammit! I cursed furiously, my claws digging into the damp, loosened soil. Curling my lip, I pulled myself to my paws and slammed my body against the tree. Why do I have to be caught in this shitty hell!

I breathed in heavily and licked my lips in disgust in desperate attempt to calm myself as the wind continued to batter me back into small crevice. Finally settling down, I managed to duck low enough to keep the relentless air from beating me down. If only I had stayed back in the city on a night like this. Had I not known of this rapid wind storm the day I had set out? All I could do was wait it out.

Snorting vehemently, I squeezed myself into a tight ball, as if containing myself from beginning to curse once again. This night infuriated me to wits end. Everything seemed to infuriate me, as if it were the only emotion I knew of. It made me want to kill, to sink my claws into flesh and simply tear. I knew what it was like to kill. Every murderer knew. It felt good. It felt like every time blood spattered on the ground, your pain dripped out with it.

I bit down on my tongue. No! I thought piteously. I am normal. I want to be normal. Normal dogs aren't killers. I shook myself sadly and peered over my shoulder as the wind dragged the browning leaves from their home, and carried them off down the path. With a sigh, I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the wailing of the darkness.

It aches in every bone,
I'll die alone, but not for pleasure
I see my heart explode,
It's been eroded by the weather here
If you want me hold me back

[Mental..;;]

Flicker

<sub>I made my way through the fog, head somewhat low, tail between my legs. I didn't like this, the fog was making me unable to even use the senses that I was actually still capable of using. Now that I would've been able to hear anything even if I had still been capable to do so. I was getting cold, and I was starting to feel wet because of this fog as well. I couldn't quite say that I hate it, but I definitely didn't like this.

I shivered slightly as I kept feeling my way around, trying to find something to take shelter under or next to even. I could barely see anything in front of me though. My paw hit something as I tried to step, the root of a tree? Hopefully. I moved slowly forward, finally getting to the actual tree trunk. I moved around it slowly, hopefully there's a bit that was out of the wind at least a little and maybe with less fog.

As I kept going around the tree I stepped on something soft, a surprised look appearing on my features as I stepped back, concentrating as I stared through the fog and finally managed to make out the shape of a dog. I lowered myself carefully down to the ground, my ears back in an apologetic way. I would've backed up more but I wasn't sure what was behind me so I didn't want to take the chance. Hopefully this dog wasn't hostile, I couldn't deal with them too well.</sub>

[/sub]

[Ємßєг§]

I see pain, I see need,
I see liars and thieves,
Abuse power with greed
I had hope, I believed,
But I'm beginning to think that I've been deceived

Have you ever stared at a clock, anticipating a certain time--a birthday party, or maybe the last day of school, perhaps?--, and no matter how long you looked at the thin little second hand making its rounds about the circular body of the device, the minute hand never seemed to move. And as you kept gazing up into it, half shaking in your seat, everything seemed to move slower and slower until you almost couldn't bear it. But when you looked away from the clock, and ran off to attend to some other matter, upon your return, you find that a great amount of time had elapsed since you had parted.

My mind seemed to reverberate with a meticulous rattle, resembling that of the ticking clock, as I remained bundled in my tiny crevice. In those few minutes, I might as well have been poised exactly in front of a little clock, counting the seconds as they wore on. But nothing seemed to progress. I had no way of knowing how long it would be until the wind and fog would ebb away, and I was not the most patient mutt either. Shifting this way and that, I could not seem to find a comfortable position, as my rib-cage still throbbed from my fall.

Tick, tick, tick. Went the rapping inside my head. Tock, tock, tock. I should've went digital. Closing my jaws firmly, I could barely fight the urge to snap back at myself, and howl aloud to drown out the obnoxious sounds echoing softly around me. It was nearly impossible to focus upon anything else: the dreadful weather made sure to drown out almost each and every one of my senses. Inwardly sighting in frustration, I took a deep inward breath to calm myself, and--

Ouch. My fucking rib-cage! I thought angrily, as a sudden dead-weight planted itself upon it. In an instant, I had darted up out of my enclosure, and found myself face to face with a second canine, obviously stuck out in this damned forest with me. Feeling my neck beginning to pulse quicker, I dug my claws into the ground attempting to hold back my anger toward this dog who has suddenly disturbed me. What was he? Or her? Mutt, pure-bred? I couldn't tell. I could only make out the outline and the shadow of a dog, for the fog allowed nothing me.

The wind once again began attacking me with vicious blows, and I fought to keep my eyes open. Locking my gaze upon the dog, who now looked rather apologetic, I managed to reduce my pounding heart-beat to a tranquil state. Pulling my claws from the barren earth, unlodging loosened dirt, I shook myself slightly, squinting forward through the biting chill. Damn... I muttered quietly, the only sign yet that physically portrayed my anger.

Biting my lip slightly, I jumped to the future, attempting to imagine how such a meeting would turn out. Generally, these ending rather bloodily, seeing that it was almost inevitable that I would become infuriated at some point in a conversation. Assuming there was one. On the other hand, I had, perhaps, a minimal chance that I could hold back my general emotion to replace it with something else that would result in a happier ending. Too bad it was only a small percentage.

No, no more sorrow,
I've paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed,
Your time has come to be replaced

[Mental..;;]

Flicker

I couldn't make whimpering sounds or I would've done so, just to make sure that the other dog understood my submissiveness clearly. I wasn't fond of being attacked so I would try my best to avoid it. I turned my gaze away from the other dog, just waiting, anticipating something. Though when nothing happened I looked up at him, tail giving a slight wag, just happy that he didn't decide it was necessary to hurt me because I'd stepped on him.

I hadn't heard the word that he had uttered so I could not respond to it as another dog might. I got up off the ground though, standing in front of him now instead of lying submissively at his feet. I shook myself as well, to get rid of the dirt that was now on my stomach. It was loose enough to not stick to me while I shook, which was good. I enjoyed being clean. My white coat would usually shine in the sun, though with the fog it didn't quite gleam so nicely.

I let my eyes stay on him, what I could see of him anyway. I couldn't make out what breed he was. I myself have pointer bloodlines running through me and nothing else. I also have some light brows spots on my ears and some brown on my face as well, though the rest of my body is untouched my this color. My body was lean and slightly muscled, from all my time spent running from hostile dogs. I was a fast runner, accustomed to doing it now, after a long time of needing to do so. It makes you learn fast, though I'm still learning to work out which dogs are hostile enough for me to have to run from and which are safe. Which is why I'm struggling some with figuring this dog out.

Expression was inquisitive as I watched him, waiting for some sort of action from him. I would speak but I can't so I'm not even going to attempt it, the sounds I utter when I do try are unbearable even for me so who knows what they sound like to others. Not that I can hear them, it's just the way that they feel in my throat. I didn't want to push my luck with this dog anyway, something was telling me that I should be careful with what I did.

[Ємßєг§]

I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare

I am not a conversationalist. I am not a confabulator. I am not a discourser, or a talker, or any other such word that might have to do with the act of speech. I say it, and I will say it again: I am not a talented chatter. I cannot gossip for my life. I would not be chosen as a valedictorian of any such class. I will never achieve any of my goals in life--do I have any?--that involve words. Am I embarrassed to say this? Not particularly. Murderers generally don't talk their victims to death. It's not a talent I really need, in any case.

However, perhaps I should have considered that, perhaps, I would not always be a killer for the whole of my life. If I had contemplated this idea quite a bit earlier in life, I may have been prepared for the awkward moments that seemed to follow me about like a dazed funeral procession. My lacking ability to talk my way out of rough situations had been becoming more and more of a nuisance as I continued my attempt to change my way of living. God damn, it was terrible.

Studying the canine before me, my tail raised high above my rump in a dominant gesture. Though we were roughly the same in height, I felt an instantaneous sense of leadership over her. However, her battle capability remained a mystery to me. If anything, I wanted to remain as neutral as possible. I wanted to be normal. Normal. Normal dogs didn't attack one another out of the blue. That was going to be quite tough.

The faint outline of her body seemed to become clearer as the clouds overhead parted to reveal a crescent moon bearing its light down upon our backs. With a sigh, I realized that this other mutt--no, purebred...?--wasn't going to talk. Finding it quite pointless to walk away, feeling both embarrassed and dumb-founded, I opened my mouth slightly, hoping that the words would come to me naturally. They didn't.

Lost? I croaked gruffly. Somehow, it may have sounded menacing. I wasn't sure, I didn't listen to myself speak. Seems odd to be out so late...here. The causality of my next line almost surprised me, as if had been rehearsed. Ominous, perhaps. Ghostly. I felt like snickering. Nothing even seemed funny, but there was some essence hanging in the air around me that seemed to urge me to burst out in a howling laughter. In was...peculiar, if nothing else.

I watched as her bright orbs flickered in the din; little round spheres of light, seemingly floating in the blackness, and vanishing at every blink. Lights on. Lights off. Lights on. Lights off. It was dark...maybe. If her eyes suddenly shut, then it would truly be night.

I snickered. Can you ever ignore the fact that you're a killer?

I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?

[Mental..;;]

I could see that he was speaking, see him form the words yet I still couldn't figure out what they were. I cocked my head to the side slightly, a questioning look on my features as I kept watching him. I had seen him raise his tail, and I knew that he would probably not hesitate to inflict some sort of injury on me if I did something to offend him in any way. Dammit. Hopefully he wouldn't be offended by my silence before he figured out that I couldn't actually hear him or talk to him.

I made sure to lower myself slightly, just bending my knees a little bit so that I was almost lowered into a crouching position while still standing properly. My tail was down, though not between my legs. I was just hoping that he would see that I wasn't a threat at all, and that I wasn't even going to attempt to show him that I was better or stronger than him in any way. Just so that he wouldn't hurt me.

I waited, I couldn't really move my eyes away from him because then I wouldn't be able to see what he did. Though I knew that it would've been a wiser decision as he might find me staring at him a challenge of some sort. Why did things always have to be so difficult for me. All I could do at the moment was just wait.

[Ємßєг§]

I'm like a ghost
I'll be living in a dirt room
Waiting for the day to be closer
To the window when you're home

Acknowledgement can be shown in quite a number of ways. The most obvious of these, is to reply what the other is saying. Of course, you may also show comprehension by nodding your head, or using a simple gesture. Now, everyone has their own way of accomplishing things, and sometimes it can be hard to pick out what message the other is trying to convey to you in response of what was just said. Sometimes you can't. This was kind of the case.

I looked on upon my strange companion, trying to to make out what she was thinking. She showed no sign that she understood what I has just said, or that she was going to answer. The femme simply ducked lower and lower. In fact, I had thought at the time, she might have hit the floor if she ducked any lower. It was rather pathetic really. For once, I try to hold back my anger and restrain myself from attacking, and yet I still look upon this dog, cowering in fear before me.

Scoffing indignatly, holding my breath as if I was going to burst, I let out the air in one agitated sigh. You know, it is quite agitating to be ignored after asking someone a simple question. I told her more crossly than I had intended. I bit down hard on my tongue before proceeded. I asked you why you're out here so late. For the first time, I realized that she had the right to ask me the same question. Fact was, I didn't even know what the hell was my answer. Why was I here, anyway?

A feeling of hollow discontent washed around me. If only I had stayed behind in the city on that night, I wouldn't have been standing on the rock solid ground, the prey of the wind, talking to a dog with hearing problems. I hated when dogs didn't listen to me. I wanted their attention when I spoke. Their undivided attention! A slight growl escaped my maw, my lips quavering as I did.

Maybe she could hear that! I thought angrily, casting her a wicked glare. Answer me this time. I spoke softly, spitting my words out in unintended fury. If I could begin speaking to myself without looking like a complete idiot, I'd be telling myself to keep my cool. I wasn't going to attack this dog. That wasn't me anymore...was it?

What a fucking sad way to go
Your mother raised you as a joke
I should have wiped away a burden
Use the curtain in the kitchen to choke you

[Mental..;;]

I could still watch his expression from my position so low down. I wasn't cowering, now, I was just making sure that he understood I wasn't meaning to be hostile by not replying to his words. Though, it seems like he didn't quite take my actions the right way because he's saying something again. I can't even hear the tone that the words are said in, though I can read his expression clearly. I stood up properly again, my expression thoughtful as I tried to think of how I could show this dog that I couldn't hear him. I would have to try and make it obvious, he didn't seem to be picking up on the smaller things, too occupied feeling sorry for himself because he's out here in this wind no doubt. Thought I don't blame him, this wind is terrible.

Seeing his lips quiver in a growl it brought me out of my thoughtful state and put a surprised look on my face for a few seconds before it turned back into a thoughtful one, though more of a panicked one. I'd better think of something fast. Lifting one front paw and lowering my head to the side I somehow motioned towards my ear, hoping he would understand I wasn't just scratching it. Then I lifted my head again and just shook it slowly, staring at him pointedly so that he might understand that I was trying to communicate, not just doing this because I felt like it. I put my paw back down on the ground, my expression once again curious as I waited to see if he had understood.

[Ємßєг§]

Do we dream at night,
Or do we share the same old fantasy?
I am a silhouette of the person wandering in my dreams

A number of souls in this world are capable of speaking more than one language. English, French, Dutch, Portuguese, whatever it happens to be. But then, there are another number of souls who aren't capable of speaking more than one language. Now, let us pretend we have an English fellow, and we place him in a room with a Japanese who also cannot speak any language but his own. Now, if we stay with the basics, it is evident that these two people would not be able to communicate as well as if they both spoke in the same tongue, for neither of them could obviously understand what the other was saying.

I stared down the femme I had met but a few minutes ago, the one who hadn't spoken a word to me, and felt quite like that English or Japanese fellow, who hadn't a clue what his companion was trying to tell him. She merely cowered at the sight of me, even though I wasn't trying to be the least bit frightening. Every second she didn't respond, I felt my anger building within my chest, as I vainly awaited her answer.

Seething silently, I dug my claws into the ground, trying my best to contain myself while remaining unnoticed, when I found myself watching her paw her ear roughly, followed by a shake of the head. It looked too deliberate to be a simple scratch of the ear, and yet I was puzzled by her actions. Was she trying to get a message across? And if she was, why didn't she just speak? I wasn't a problem-solver, I really wasn't. I'm not the one who sits and plays charades in his past-time. How was I expected to figure out what she meant?

And yet, I still felt the bubbling fury of her lack of response, and found myself saying instead, Are you deaf? Why won't you bloody answer me? I spat out, and then stopped for a second. Are you deaf...? Was that it? Lack of hearing? Could she not hear a word I was saying? For a moment I considered it, seeing that it did actually make sense. The pawing of the ear, her lack of talking. Thinking logically, she could have been mute as well, but I also wasn't one to linger over a topic like that.

Are you deaf? I asked quizzically, as if I expected an answer. My muscles suddenly relaxed, as if I had finally gotten past the most exciting part of a good book; like I understood her. She had a problem too. Like me. She was like me. No, she is not like me My mind replied. You can hear. And she doesn't have trouble with emotions. I almost wanted to snap back at myself, seeing that she wouldn't hear that I was doing so, so I wouldn't look completely insane. I decided against it.

Turning my attention to my companion, I nodded my head in attempt to show her I understood what I just said. Then--what to do? What do I say to a deaf dog? Do I interact at all, or do I simply walk away? With a frustrated sigh, I glared into the bleary night. This was certainly going to be an interesting experience...

What's the point of life
And what's the meaning if we all die in the end?
Does it make sense to learn or do we forget everything?

Total Word-Count;; 546
Puppet;; Rivalry
Creativity Level 1 - 10;; Eight
Lyrical Muse;; Phantom Agony -- Epica
Intended For;; Mental with Flicker

[Mental..;;]

Eyes watched him intently as I just stayed perfectly still, not moving from where I was standing in front of him. I could see him speak, then stop. I could tell that he was thinking, but what he was thinking and how hard he was thinking eluded me as I could do nothing but wait and see what happens next. He spoke again and I wondered whether he had actually understood or not, I could tell by the expression on his face that it was a question, though I am sure that only a moment ago I saw realization on his expression, as if he had understood. But I'm not sure now.

I saw him nod and a happy and pleased expression appeared on my own features as I wagged my tail slightly, standing in a more relaxed way now as I saw that he was relaxed as well. I didn't feel now as though he would attack me any second. Slight smile was on my face too as I kept my eyes on him, like most dogs he was probably unsure of how to interact with me now, maybe even whether he should or not. If he wanted to just turn and go then I wouldn't blame him but I would much rather he just stay out here, I'm not really the loner sort.

Touching him lightly with my nose to get his attention again I decided that I would try, though it didn't seem as though he was the sort to get my attempts and communicating easily. So I'd have to try a bit harder to make things more understandable for him, but how? I have enough trouble just communicating my words to start with, let alone make it easier for the other dog.. I have a questioning look on my features, slight frown as well and my head cocked to the side slightly. I look at him, motioning towards him and then towards the earth that he had churned up with his nails before. I merely want to know why he had been so tense, was it my fault? Or was he just normally like that. I waited patiently to see if he at least understood my question a little.